A Woman’s Perspective June 22, 2009
Posted by occhristiancounseling in Q & A.Tags: communication, relationships, silent treatment
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He’s so distant, and you don’t understand why. Most of the time, he doesn’t even respond to you, and trying to communicate with him is like talking to a brick wall.
When you ask him what’s wrong, he mumbles “nothing” … or just ignores you.
If you press him to talk to you, he gets angry.
The only time he pays attention to you is when he wants something from you: it’s usually sex. But you’re not interested anymore.
You feel ignored, rejected, unlovable, alone.
You used to be so close to each other. You’ve tried absolutely everything you can think of to get close again, but nothing’s working. You wonder if he even loves you anymore.
You feel like giving up.
What is his perspective?
Why Do Men “Stonewall”? June 10, 2009
Posted by occhristiancounseling in Dr. Debi Smith, classes.Tags: communication, emotions, relationships
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As a couples therapist, I’ve had a lot of opportunity to observe how hard women work at their relationships. When something’s wrong, it’s the woman who notices it and wants to talk about it – to figure out what’s wrong and fix the problem. Here’s an example of a frequent complaint from our Relationship Survey:
“We have problems agreeing on the way in which we will deal with problems. I want to deal with them when they come up, and he wants to think about it on his own for a long time and hope the problem goes away before we talk about it.”
Chances are, this woman won’t be able to wait for him to bring up the problem again. She’ll be miserable waiting on him to say something. At best, she’ll feel like it’s just not that important to him. At worst, she’ll feel like SHE’S just not that important to him. As the hours and days tick by, she’ll start to feel more and more anxious about their relationship.
What is stonewalling?
Stonewalling is withdrawing or refusing to respond to your partner. For men, it may be a response to their own confusion or due to them feeling overwhelmed. Early in life, men learn that they have to come up with the answers to problems on their own, so this behavior makes sense. (More about this later in the course.)
For women, being stonewalled by a partner creates excessive anxiety—and anger.
Now, for the surprising side of stonewalling: It’s actually much more damaging to the relationship if the woman is the stonewaller!!
QUESTION: Do you shut him out when he hurts your feelings or does something you don’t approve of?
The female version of stonewalling can be subtle (refusing to talk to him for a few minutes) or dramatic (pouting, stomping out of the room, slamming doors, not speaking for days, etc.).
EXERCISE: Observe your own behavior today. Notice how often you stonewall in response to something he says or does. Remember, your stonewalling may be more subtle, so you’ll have to be a diligent detective.
Click here to share your thoughts if you wish. Or register for the FREE eCourse: Why Won’t He Talk to Me?
Dr. Smith’s Lecture on the Psychology of Men May 1, 2009
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Listen now to Dr. Smith’s lecture.
“Understanding Men”
PSYC418 Lecture
Biola University
April 30, 2009
Don’t Miss It! April 27, 2009
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Whatever your relationship status, our mission is to help you figure out and enjoy the men in your life. Join us in this live, interactive workshop conducted over the phone.
Understanding the Men in Your Life with Dr. Debi Smith
*FREE Tele-Conference:
Friday, May 1 @ 12:00 – 1:00 (PDT)
What is a Tele-Conference? Just think of it as a chat line on the phone.
To make the call personally meaningful to you,
you will have the opportunity ask your questions in advance!
Once you register, you will receive an email with the telephone number and access code.
The Rest of the Story April 23, 2009
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Have you ever let your anger get the best of you? Debra Barone (of the TV series “Everybody Loves Raymond”) is forever frustrated with her husband, Ray. And it’s no wonder. He’s forever doing dumb stuff. Even so, she’s not very supportive. She not only criticizes him (like his mother does), she also puts him down constantly. In the field of marriage research, that’s our next and last communication problem. [Get the Rest of the Story in Dr. Smith's free eCourse now!]
Football and Steak and Shooting Stuff April 20, 2009
Posted by occhristiancounseling in Stories.add a comment
by Tyler
I’m just going to start writing and see what happens.
My name is Tyler, and I am the youngest of three boys. We are each incredibly different and would belong in very few of the boxes that have been made for men to hang out in.
My oldest brother, Andy is a sensitive, careful artist who thrives in conversation and meaning and spends his time reading, playing old video games, listening to good music, and writing. My middle brother, Kevin, is one of the most capable achievers I have ever met. He is incredibly smart, a terrible student, a great learner, businessman, friend, athlete, and brother. Then there’s me. God knows what I am, and probably no one else, but I am slowly learning.
My parents have been married for a really long time and they still love each other. I was born into advantage. My parents have earned the respect of all of us boys. I have the example of a healthy relationship, and more specifically, a healthy male role model.
Needless to say, I have [read more]
Why Does He Just Sit There? April 18, 2009
Posted by occhristiancounseling in Q & A.Tags: communication, emotions, relationships
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Sue’s Question: My boyfriend and I have been arguing a lot lately. He just doesn’t get it. Nothing gets resolved, and I am so frustrated with him! Now when I try to bring the issue up, he just ignores me. I can’t get him to talk at all! Why does he just sit there?
Dr. Smith’s Answer: The answer is both simple and confusing in that, despite popular male opinion, men are actually much more complicated than they seem. Most of us (men included) have been terribly misinformed! In reality, men are more emotionally sensitive than women. They will do anything and everything they can to avoid conflict with the women they love. Their fight-or-flight response kicks into high gear at the very onset of a disagreement, and because they don’t want to fight, they take flight (withdraw). Women also don’t realize that men experience the very same emotions that women do, but express them differently. Men don’t just don’t have the words to express how they are feeling, so most of their emotional expression comes out as indifference or anger, two extremes.
It doesn’t have to be like that. Both men and women need a better understanding of the male emotional experience. Click here to learn more.
Free eBook: Mothers and Sons April 15, 2009
Posted by occhristiancounseling in Dr. Debi Smith, attachment.Tags: boys, empathy, mothers, sons
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Mothers & Sons
How the Maternal Attachment Experience Affects Boys’ Emotional and Social Development
by Dr. Debi Smith
As you read this book, you will no doubt notice its academic style. This material was first included as part of my doctoral dissertation at Rosemead School of Psychology—Biola University, then used as a text for the Psychology of Men course I developed and taught at Azusa Pacific University.
I decided to share it with you because this work means so much to me.
When I was raising my three boys, I was unaware of most of this information. My study of the psychology of men has profoundly impacted not only the way I interact with my sons now, but also the way I view my male colleagues and the men who come to my office for help with their relationships.
Whether you are married, engaged, dating, or single, I sincerely hope you will find this book both meaningful and helpful in your own relationships with men. Click here to download now.
