One question that rarely gets openly posed in marriage goes something like this: who decides how much a married couple should have sex, the husband or the wife? The question may make you blush but it certainly is an important one. Some believe that sex should rarely be withheld, that sexual relations are an essential part of the marriage relationship. Others may find that sex is an inconvenience that has gradually left the marriage.

Consider the following passage from Scripture:

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. ~1 Corinthians 7:3-6

Now some might think that this passage justifies the person who believes that sex should never be withheld. The challenge is that such a stance often neglects a fundamental principle of the passage, that sex should be a gift to one another to help one another stay close to God. Sex should not be used as a weapon to control or punish the other partner, either by willfully abstaining or by coercing. Instead, intimacy in marriage ought to respect both desire and lack of desire for sex by either partner.

An attitude towards sex that actively resents the other partner for either wanting sex too often or not wanting it enough is not the attitude that Paul is advocating here. Rather, Paul is trying to promote a healthy sexuality that respects our physical and emotional desires as important, alongside our spiritual nature.

I propose a different stance toward sexuality than simply focusing on whether or not sex is being engaged in. This stance demands that we surrender our selfish perspective toward sex and consider our spouse’s needs and limitations. We should treat our partners with care, taking into account their physical and emotional desires regarding sex, believing that their bodies are connected to our own and sharing in their suffering and discomfort towards sex. Sex should always be requested, never demanded. When this level of love and care is shown, sexual intimacy can begin to flourish and thrive.

Some people struggle with a philosophical question: what is the role of sex in marriage? Historically, sex has been seen as simply the means for procreation and building a family. But in a modern context where contraception is used to prevent procreation, we have to ask whether sex serves another function. So the real question is, other than creating babies, does sex accomplish anything else and, if so, are these things good?

To answer the first part of the question, we simply need to pay attention to the experiences of people who have sex. The most obvious experience in sex is pleasure – sex feels good for many people. On this note, it is hard to argue that there would be anything wrong with having sex for pleasure, except in the case where the sexual experience is worshipped and given too much importance. In that extreme situation, people place sexuality before developing a deep relationship with God and pursuing growth in their character. Although we worship God with our bodies, sex does not constitute the full scope of a spiritual experience.

The second experience, sometimes less obvious, is that sex is capable of creating a bond between two people. Sex involves a shared vulnerability between two people that results in feeling connected. Particularly for women, the hormone oxytocin, also called the cuddle hormone, can be released during orgasm leading to this feeling. In the case of a non-committed relationship, a break in this bond can be incredibly painful, as if actually severing a limb, and is a major factor in why God discourages sex outside of marriage. Within a marriage, however, sex can be a protective factor in the relationship that helps two people feel close to one another even when emotionally they may feel occasionally distant.

As I see it, the role of sex in marriage is threefold: to build a family, to bring forth enjoyment, and to form a strong bond. Sex is a magnificent gift from God that we ought to enjoy!

A guy can’t help but be a hero to his sweetie as he glides her around our Valentine’s dance floor. It’s essential that couples keep the fun in their friendship, and vintage dance is the perfect place!

The Victorian ballroom glows with great melodies and easy to learn dance steps. And you don’t have to drop a fortune to enjoy an evening of style, and the elegance that comes with two hearts beating (and dancing) in three quarter time!

Victorian Dance Lessons | Feb 4th | 2-6 pm
casual | $15/couple online or $20 at the door

Valentine’s Dance | Feb 11th | 7-11 pm
dressy | $45/couple online or $60 at the door

Victorian Dance Lessons + Valentine’s Dance
$60/couple online

Introducing Our Dance Instructor . . .

Fred waltzing with Dr. Debi

Fred Judkins is gifted in many ways. His love for all things Victorian began with a passion for Gilbert & Sullivan when he was a boy. He is an accomplished Victorian dancer and teacher, and through his love for the manners, dances, and fashions of a bygone era, he hopes to promote a more genteel society today.

Hurray for Hollywood! Growing up at a time when films were fun and wholesome, Fred carries a deep and abiding love for this uniquely American art form. As a 12th-grader, he produced his own film festival at his high school. His senior English teacher sponsored him in Kodak’s national film-making contest. Kodak promised that the winner could “Film Your Way to Hollywood.” And that’s just what Fred did!

On his way to The Big Time, Fred stopped off for two years at Biola University, where he produced Biola’s first film festival – his second – Fred’s Frenetic Film Festival. After graduating from San Diego State University, he ended up as a sound effects editor in the major Hollywood studios, and a member of the Editor’s Guild, the Television Academy, and the international Motion Picture Sound Editors (MPSE).

Fred is now an Emmy-Winning Sound Supervisor at Technicolor Sound Services in Burbank. His sound work for movies includes Mystery Men, All the Pretty Horses, Spiderman, Ghostbusters 2, Twins, Anna Karenina, Starship Troupers, Charlie’s Angels, Joni, Out of Africa, Hook, The Recuers Down Under, Jimmy Neutron, Fievel Goes West, Adventures of Huck Finn, Iron Will, and Straight Talk. And he’s had the privilege to work with great talents such as Dolly Parton, Whoopi Goldberg, and Steve Martin.

Along with songwriter Eric Rainwater, Fred is the co-creator of the popular series of Christian Kid-Choir musical comedies that began with The Mission Connection, and includes Check Out That Star, The Not-So-Silent Night, The Perils of Paul, and Samson: The Day God Brought Down the House.

A couple of years ago, my 3-year-old grandson moved to California (with his parents, of course), and he loved to go for walks around my neighborhood with me. He was always drawn to the flowers and had to stop and smell each one along the way. I told him that we mustn’t pick the flowers because they belonged to my neighbors. So he would always remind me, as he admired their bright colors and imagined fragrance, that “those are your neighbor’s flowers, right?”

However, the same rules didn’t seem apply to the flowers at the bank or park or Carl’s Jr. He’d race over and pick one as soon as he saw them, then present it to me with a gigantic smile on his little face.

“Here! This is for you, Gramma!” he’d announce with great pleasure, fully expecting my reflected joy for the gift he so proudly offered. Of course, I was always delighted. And I refrained from shaming him for picking the flower.

How often have you responded to your guy’s gift with some sort of critique?

He “wasted” money on flowers. You’d rather have such-and-such. Why didn’t he … [you fill in the blank].

When we do that to them very often, it makes them want to give up. To not even try anymore.

Men really don’t change all that much over the years.

They still love to make us smile. When you smile, you brighten his day … and his life!

This is the third thing men need from women: Acceptance and Appreciation

You don’t have to pretend that he’s perfect, or that his gifts are perfect. But when you accept what he brings to your life, you are accepting him. And that’s a good thing.

Note: A woman’s job is to love her man and pray for him. It’s God’s job to make her man grow … according to His plan, not hers.

The best response is very simple: Say “thank you” with a smile on your face. You’ll make his day.

Would you like to know more about the Psychology of Men?

Join me live this Saturday for Frogs & Princes: Understanding the Psychology of Men. If you have specific questions, email me now.

If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that I have three grown sons. They’re amazing men, and I’m so proud of them all. As most moms do of their sons, I still think of them as my boys. Even typing that now brings a smile to my face … and a bazillion memories of their growing-up years.

I remember my oldest son at swim lessons the year he learned to jump off the diving board. No matter how many times he did it, he always checked to see if I was watching before he’d take the plunge. And as his head bobbed up out of the water, he again looked in my direction, waiting for my smile or, better yet, a cheer for his success.

Men don’t ever change in this regard. They still want their moms’ approval. But what becomes even more important to a man is his wife’s approval. He desperately needs to know he has the ability to make you smile.

However, another need must be fulfilled beforehand.

He needs your attention. That means that you look at him when he speaks. And you listen with an open heart and mind to what he’s saying, without adding your critique. He needs you to listen with the goal of understanding him. Nothing more. Certainly nothing less.

Women are multitaskers, but he craves and deserves our undivided attention. If we don’t give him that, someone somewhere someday will. Believe it or not, that’s actually how most affairs get started.

So need Number 2 is actually two needs: (a) his need for your attention and (b) his need for your approval.

One more important word on the subject …

Women are always asking me if they’re just supposed to approve of everything a man does, even when he’s “way off base.” Here’s the best and simplest answer: If you want him to be a better man, notice what he’s doing well and affirm him for it. Pray about the areas where you believe he needs improvement. And if you want to give him feedback, ask him if he’d like to know how you feel about such-and-such. When he says yes, say it once in as few words as possible, then let it go.

Nagging and complaining will shut him down. What works for him? Your approval of what he’s doing well will serve as his motivator to do better on other things, too.

Tomorrow, I’ll tell you the third thing men need from women …

Would you like to know more about the Psychology of Men?

Join me live this Saturday for Frogs & Princes: Understanding the Psychology of Men. If you have specific questions, email me now.

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord. ~ Proverbs 18:22

Men always say they are simple, and I always argue that they’re not. What makes men complicated – at least in part – is that they never ask for what they need. Well, almost never.

Most men assume that women know what they need and are disappointed when we don’t respond well to them. They forget we think like a girl.

Women assume that men think like women and need the same things as women. We do have similar needs, but there are some very important differences. And men think like boys. They always will.

The first thing a man needs from a woman is affection. And if he’s married, he needs sex. Sex and physical affection tell a man that he is loved and wanted in ways that words could never express.

Women believe men only want “one thing.” However, one of the most common complaints I hear from men is that “she never touches me anymore.” They’re not talking about sex. They’re talking about touch. Incidental non-sexual touch. It’s a sign of affection, and we all need it. But men don’t get that sort of affection from women because women often misunderstand how much it means to them … and that it’s not all about sex for men. It’s about love.

Now please forgive me as I use words to express how words are not enough in the words of song writers Nuno Bettancourt and Gary Cherone:

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It’s not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
‘Cause I’d already know
What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn’t make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now that I’ve tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don’t ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
‘Cause I’d already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn’t make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Tomorrow, I’ll tell you the second thing men need from women …

Would you like to know more about the Psychology of Men?

Join me live this Saturday for Frogs & Princes: Understanding the Psychology of Men. If you have specific questions, email me now.

Sexual intimacy in marriage is an important component in developing a secure relationship bond between a man and a woman. But there are a number of ways that sexuality can go wrong in a marriage. In general, people can go in two directions: sexual compulsion and sexual restriction. Sexual compulsion simply means someone who pursues sexual activities, ranging from forcing a partner to have sex to simply being the one who tends to ask for sex. On the other hand, sexual restriction can range from complete abstinence from any form of sexual expression to a lack of desire in sexuality. It helps to simply identify where you and your spouse might be on the continuum from sexual restriction to sexual compulsion. In some cases, the distance might be far off and in other cases you might both find yourselves at the same spot.

The next step is to gain a better understanding of how each of your attitudes toward sex developed. Of course, sexual compulsion can be the result of a biological predisposition towards having sex, but other influences include the media, past experiences with sex or sexual abuse, and addiction to sexual behavior. The precursors of being sexual restricted can also be biological, but often are heavily influenced by body image issues, a history of sexual abuse, and emotional or relational problems. If you take some time to reflect, individually and/or as a couple, you may find yourself having a better idea why you and your spouse have the attitudes toward sex that you do.

Finally, this knowledge needs to be applied to your marriage. In a healthy marriage, both spouses should know how the other partner feels about sexuality and how it relates to their feeling connected. Each should care deeply about how the other person has been hurt by their families, so-called friends, and by society in their sexual development. One primary goal in the marriage must be to develop the ability to feel how the other person feels, to be deeply empathic about the other person’s emotions. As a side note, although sexual compromise is nice, a focus on “meeting half-way” can be destructive when one person has a greater amount of pain than the other. Rather, forming a deep desire to surrender one’s desires for the sake of loving the other ought to be the aim. If done whole-heartedly, this attitude is so much more rewarding than sexual intimacy.

Some questions to consider:

How far separated are we on our attitudes towards sexual intimacy? If we are far apart, have I grown resentful towards my partner or have I loved him or her the way they are? If we are close together, do we both still need to have healing in our sexuality? How can I build intimacy in our relationship through non-sexual means? How can I build intimacy through sexual means?

If sexuality is a concern in your marriage, consider speaking with a couple’s therapist. Although it may sometime be an embarrassing issue to discuss, couple’s therapists are trained to help partners work together to bring healing to the relationship, which often leads to a more satisfying sexual experience.

Dr. Curtis Lehmann is available to speak to your church or group on this very timely topic. You may contact him at 800.705.6223, Ext. 102, or via email.

Victorian dancing is stylish, elegant, and simple to learn. If you can count to two, you can polka. And if you can count to three, you can swirl to “The Blue Danube Waltz”!

We’ll begin the evening with Victorian Set Dances, taught by Mr. Fredric Judkins, Emmy award-winning Supervising Sound Editor, Dance Instructor, and Lover of Victorian Music and Culture. Through Couples Dances, he’ll show us how to enjoy the dance, whatever your level of dancing skills.

Throughout the evening, Mr. Judkins will share very practical ways we can “dance” together in step with God’s plan for men and women. Our goals will be to …

* Learn how to build wonderful memories and simply to enjoy our partners
* Learn what it means for a man to take the lead in a relationship
* Learn what a man needs from a woman to be a great leader
* Be very romantic, in true Victorian style
* Laugh and have some good, clean fun

More information is available at www.OCChristianCounseling.com