A Woman’s Perspective June 22, 2009
Posted by occhristiancounseling in Q & A.Tags: communication, relationships, silent treatment
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He’s so distant, and you don’t understand why. Most of the time, he doesn’t even respond to you, and trying to communicate with him is like talking to a brick wall.
When you ask him what’s wrong, he mumbles “nothing” … or just ignores you.
If you press him to talk to you, he gets angry.
The only time he pays attention to you is when he wants something from you: it’s usually sex. But you’re not interested anymore.
You feel ignored, rejected, unlovable, alone.
You used to be so close to each other. You’ve tried absolutely everything you can think of to get close again, but nothing’s working. You wonder if he even loves you anymore.
You feel like giving up.
What is his perspective?
Why Do Men “Stonewall”? June 10, 2009
Posted by occhristiancounseling in classes, Dr. Debi Smith, stonewalling.Tags: communication, emotions, relationships
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As a couples therapist, I’ve had a lot of opportunity to observe how hard women work at their relationships. When something’s wrong, it’s the woman who notices it and wants to talk about it – to figure out what’s wrong and fix the problem. Here’s an example of a frequent complaint from our Relationship Survey:
“We have problems agreeing on the way in which we will deal with problems. I want to deal with them when they come up, and he wants to think about it on his own for a long time and hope the problem goes away before we talk about it.”
Chances are, this woman won’t be able to wait for him to bring up the problem again. She’ll be miserable waiting on him to say something. At best, she’ll feel like it’s just not that important to him. At worst, she’ll feel like SHE’S just not that important to him. As the hours and days tick by, she’ll start to feel more and more anxious about their relationship.
What is stonewalling?
Stonewalling is withdrawing or refusing to respond to your partner. For men, it may be a response to their own confusion or due to them feeling overwhelmed. Early in life, men learn that they have to come up with the answers to problems on their own, so this behavior makes sense. (More about this later in the course.)
For women, being stonewalled by a partner creates excessive anxiety—and anger.
Now, for the surprising side of stonewalling: It’s actually much more damaging to the relationship if the woman is the stonewaller!!
QUESTION: Do you shut him out when he hurts your feelings or does something you don’t approve of?
The female version of stonewalling can be subtle (refusing to talk to him for a few minutes) or dramatic (pouting, stomping out of the room, slamming doors, not speaking for days, etc.).
EXERCISE: Observe your own behavior today. Notice how often you stonewall in response to something he says or does. Remember, your stonewalling may be more subtle, so you’ll have to be a diligent detective.
Click here to share your thoughts if you wish. Or register for the FREE eCourse: Why Won’t He Talk to Me?
Why Does He Just Sit There? April 18, 2009
Posted by occhristiancounseling in Q & A, stonewalling.Tags: communication, emotions, relationships
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Sue’s Question: My boyfriend and I have been arguing a lot lately. He just doesn’t get it. Nothing gets resolved, and I am so frustrated with him! Now when I try to bring the issue up, he just ignores me. I can’t get him to talk at all! Why does he just sit there?
Dr. Smith’s Answer: The answer is both simple and confusing in that, despite popular male opinion, men are actually much more complicated than they seem. Most of us (men included) have been terribly misinformed! In reality, men are more emotionally sensitive than women. They will do anything and everything they can to avoid conflict with the women they love. Their fight-or-flight response kicks into high gear at the very onset of a disagreement, and because they don’t want to fight, they take flight (withdraw). Women also don’t realize that men experience the very same emotions that women do, but express them differently. Men don’t just don’t have the words to express how they are feeling, so most of their emotional expression comes out as indifference or anger, two extremes.
It doesn’t have to be like that. Both men and women need a better understanding of the male emotional experience. Click here to learn more.
Women Can’t Be Trusted April 7, 2009
Posted by occhristiancounseling in Q & A.Tags: relationships, safety
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Wondering Wounded’s Question: I would like your interpretation of a man who seems more interested in spending his time with other men. I went out with him a few times and we really hit it off, but he suddenly withdrew without much explanation. He spends most of his time on hobby of Ham Radio consisting of mostly men friends, and he also spends much time going to Tradorees and trading and selling vintage Boy Scout patches (once again mostly men and boys attend these). Most of (90%) the friends he has on social networking sites are also men. He does not go out with women often in fact it is rare. Do these things indicate he might be gay?
Dr. Smith’s Answer: No, they don’t. In fact, there are many, many reasons a man would prefer the company of other men. Most have to do with issues of safety.
Bergman (1995) described a common emotional experience he refers to as male relational dread. This fear is characterized by a sense of inevitable, never-ending disaster and an expectation of immense and irreparable damage. The closer a man feels to a woman, the more intense his dread. He feels unsafe, guilty, incompetent, and ashamed in this uncharted territory.
Under the pressure of needing to fix things, he is overcome by an exponential increase in his dread. Even though he may desperately want connection, a man may interfere with activation of his own attachment system by “withdrawing, striking out, tuning out, changing the subject, joking, being nice, falling silent” (Bergman, 1995, p. 83).
As Bergman has observed in his workshops, men may have sufficient experiential evidence that disconnection is the better, safer, way to go. “The men—sometimes with good reason—did not trust the women to let go of their images of men and to accept male vulnerability” (Bergman, 1995, p. 83).
Consider the following clip: a lighter look at the way women convince men to trust them, and how men end up disappointed and hurt.
Unable to Commit April 6, 2009
Posted by occhristiancounseling in Q & A.Tags: commitment, mothers, relationships, sons
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Sis’s Question: I have a male friend that I’ve been seeing for 3 years, it will be 4 years end 2009. He has a pattern of engaging in relationships with educated, spiritual, professional, very attractive women who he says he loved, but finds himself unable to commit, and generally interacting with other women at the same time. The question is why do some men seek consistent attention from other women when they have a great woman, and a great relationship with someone they love? Why are some men unable to commit their heart and emotions to one woman? His mother committed suicide when he was young adult, but he grew up with both parents. He believes his Mom did this because of the hurt she caused his dad for infidelity. What part could this play on his inability to trust himself to love and be committed?
Dr. Smith’s Answer: We all have difficulty trusting after we’ve experienced a significant hurt. But because men are more emotionally and socially sensitive than women are from birth, it may be especially difficult for them to regain trust. Men are especially vulnerable when it comes to their relationships with women, starting with their mothers.
Nevertheless, men naturally want (and need) to be close to a woman. If this desire is coupled with an intense fear of being hurt, they will pull away before a woman becomes too important to him. If she matters too much to him, she then has the power to hurt him. So he moves on to avoid the pain of being hurt again. This in itself puts men in the very difficult and potentially painful position of (a) wanting to love and be loved and (b) fearing it intensely.
For more information about how a man’s relationship is impacted by his relationship with his mother, you may want to read Mothers, Sons, and Lovers: How a Man’s Relationship with His Mother Affects the Rest of His Life and Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love.
Texting March 20, 2009
Posted by occhristiancounseling in Q & A.Tags: communication, relationships
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Lauren’s Question: I think this guy is interested in me. Why does he text me a million times a day but hasn’t picked up the phone in weeks to call me and set up a day to hang out?
Dr. Smith’s Answer: Men’s behavior can be really confusing, especially to women. The temptation might be to “get on with it already” and make the next move yourself by calling him up and setting up a day to hang out.
When I ask my students if they think it’s okay for a woman to ask a man out, most of them say “yes.” However, change the question slightly, and you might get a very different answer. Would you like it if a woman asked you out? The water’s a little muddier now.
Most traditional men want to know in advance what the answer will be when they ask a woman to spend time with them. That seems to hold true for questions ranging from “Wanna hangout tonight?” to “Will you marry me?” No man likes rejection. But most men still want to be the one to ask the question.
Is he interested? Maybe he is. Maybe he gives a different meaning to his texting. Maybe he hasn’t made up his mind yet. Maybe he’s unsure of your answer. Maybe he’s shy.
One thing you can be sure of: If he really wants to hang out with you, he will let you know.
But he might suggest it via a text message instead of a phone call.
