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Why Won’t He Talk to Me? May 2, 2016

Posted by occhristiancounseling in classes, Dr. Debi Smith, research, stonewalling, understanding men.
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email-course-art-wwhttmfrontWhen something’s wrong, it’s often the woman who notices it and wants to talk about it – to figure out what’s wrong and fix the problem. Here’s a frequent complaint from our Relationship Survey:

We have problems agreeing on the way in which we will deal with problems. I want to deal with them when they come up, and he wants to think about it on his own for a long time and hope the problem goes away before we talk about it.

Does anything about that sound familiar to you?

Have you’ve ever wondered, “Why won’t he talk to me?”
Maybe you’ve tried everything you can think of.
But don’t give up! Learn what to do now!

In this FREE online course by Dr. Debi Smith, based on professional research in the Psychology of Men and Romance, you will learn all about …

  • Communication Problems – how to avoid them
  • Communication Styles – how to understand him
  • Communication Strategies – how to get him talking

Register now!

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Men & Intimate Communication April 9, 2016

Posted by occhristiancounseling in Dr. Debi Smith, stonewalling, understanding men.
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A lifetime of experience impacts the way a man communicates. But we women often don’t understand a man’s silence. So the Man Cave feels like stonewalling at best – and abandonment at worst. But the Man Cave isn’t stonewalling at all. Unless a woman tries to force her way though. Then she’s got Double Trouble.

proverbs-18-13-760x174

Simply knowing that her man is struggling is not enough, because that only serves to trigger a woman’s natural desire to reach out and encourage him … to get him to talk to her … to try to convince him that she is his Safe Haven.

But a lifetime of experience
has taught him otherwise.

Her efforts to connect will feel like an invasion to him … and/or add to his sense of guilt and shame that he hasn’t got a solution. Both of which will result in an immediate increase in his defensiveness – usually by strengthening his wall.

And being shut out makes her more anxious … worried about him … and about herself. It feels like the Beginning of the End to her, and she often doesn’t understand why.

Do you know why men stonewall?

Believe it or not, the initial purpose of the stonewall has nothing to do with hurting you. That’s not the purpose of the Man Cave either. Most women find it helpful to know the difference.

To answer before listening—
    that is folly and shame. (Proverbs 18:13)

Send me your questions and comments now.
And I’ll send you a personal reply!

Why won’t he listen to me? March 5, 2014

Posted by occhristiancounseling in classes, Dr. Debi Smith, research, stonewalling, understanding men.
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Men and women use language differently, in part because they have different life experiences and different goals in life.

In this Women’s Workshop, you will learn some of the most common mistakes women make when they try to communicate with the men they love … and more effective ways to get your point across.

language_of_men

Saturday, March 22
12:00-3:00 pm

Orange Coast Psych Assoc
27401 Los Altos, Suite 275
Mission Viejo, CA
$20/person payable at the door

R.S.V.P. mail@drdebismith.com or 800.705.6223

How to Change a Man January 25, 2014

Posted by occhristiancounseling in Dr. Debi Smith, marriage, research, stonewalling, understanding men.
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change_a_manThe real, scientific definition of reinforcement is anything that increases the likelihood that a target behavior will occur again.

In our case, the target behavior is anything that he does that makes us feel loved, cared for, and respected.

And reinforcement can be positive or negative. So at least in theory, both types of reinforcement increase the likelihood that the target behavior will occur again.

Negative reinforcement means that something unpleasant is taken away. For example, whenever you take an aspirin (target behavior) to deal with a headache, your headache will go away (negative reinforcement). Therefore, the next time a headache hits, it’s more likely that you’ll take an aspirin again … because doing so the last time resulted in negative reinforcement. Or your man finally takes out the trash (target behavior), and your constant nagging goes away (negative reinforcement). So – at least in theory – the next time you start nagging, it’s more likely he’ll take out the trash because the last time resulted in negative reinforcement. But, that last example backfires sometimes, doesn’t it? He may just learn to tune you out, which also ends the nagging … and your relationship as you would like it to be.

I don’t know about you, but headaches and nagging are not what I would want my man to have fresh on his mind whenever he thinks of me!

Reinforcement can also be positive in that something can be added, such as your “thank you” or your smile. He does something nice. You smile and say, “Thank you.” Through positive reinforcement, you just increased the likelihood that he’ll do something nice again.

So he does something nice yet again. So you smile and say, “Thank you.” Now we’ve really got something good going!

In reality, that’s the way it was in the beginning of your relationship. But most of us stop saying “Thank you” and begin to expect – rather than hope for and appreciate – good things from our guys.

Yes, it really is that easy to change a man … for the better. But it took me years – and the advice of one great guy – to be able to put two and two together. I am a blonde, after all. If I’d only paid attention sooner I could have figured it out way back when I was completing all those undergraduate studies. And I could have skipped grad school altogether …

This material is protected by Copyright. Excerpt from HOME IMPROVEMENT, Dance With Me © Dr. Debi Smith
Download now!

Free Quizzes for Couples January 8, 2014

Posted by occhristiancounseling in Dr. Debi Smith, free quizzes, marriage, research, stonewalling, understanding men, understanding women.
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How are things going? The following free quizzes can be helpful in evaluating the current state of your relationship. They are provided for informational purposes only, and are not intended to replace professional assessment. If you are experiencing distress, please contact your local mental health professional.


How well are you doing as a couple?This quiz, based on findings of marital research, can help you get an idea of how well you are doing in some vital areas of your relationship. After you submit your answers, your quiz results will be instantly emailed to you.

Click here to access the “Couples Quiz.”


Love & Respect Quiz

This quiz is adapted from J. Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Click here to access the “Love and Respect Quiz.”


Contact Info:

Dr. Debi Smith
Phone: 800.705.6223
Email: mail@drdebismith.com
Website: www.DrDebiSmith.com

Men Are Not From Mars! November 2, 2013

Posted by occhristiancounseling in attachment, classes, development, Dr. Debi Smith, marriage, recommended reading, research, sexuality, stonewalling, understanding men, understanding women.
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marsNo.

Men Are Not From Mars.
Women Are Not From Venus.

Men Don’t Have Waffle Brains.
And Women’s Brains Are Not Made of Spaghetti.

We’re from the Same Planet!
And we were created by the same All-Wise God.

But we are created to be different. And we have
different life purposes and experiences.

Want to know more? Here it is!

November 7th: Free Talk & Book Signing! October 29, 2013

Posted by occhristiancounseling in classes, Dr. Debi Smith, Events, marriage, recommended reading, research, sexuality, stonewalling, understanding men, understanding women.
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free talk book signing

27401 Los Altos, Suite 275, Mission Viejo, California

Join Dr. Debi for this FREE Talk & Booksigning!
You’ll be entertained and enlightened.
So bring your Spouse … a Friend … or your Spouse AND a Friend. 🙂

p.s. If you’re not married, you’ll still learn a lot about the opposite sex
… and what you can reasonably expect in a romantic relationship.

Register here, and we’ll see you there!

Have you read it yet? October 29, 2013

Posted by occhristiancounseling in attachment, dating, Dr. Debi Smith, marriage, recommended reading, research, stonewalling, understanding men, understanding women.
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Dance With Me: A Hopeful Romantic Interprets Ephesians 5

by Dr. Debi Smith … now available for purchase from
the following retailers …

Mariners Church, Irvine, CA

Skinsations Spa

Amazon.com

Why do men stonewall? Maybe it’s just the Man Cave. September 4, 2013

Posted by occhristiancounseling in attachment, development, Dr. Debi Smith, marriage, recommended reading, research, stonewalling, understanding men.
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man on beachAn understanding of men necessarily includes a healthy respect for the Man Cave. But as women we typically have a really hard time with it. We have nothing to compare it to, so it simply doesn’t make sense to us.

But it makes a lot of sense to men.

When we’re worried about something, we usually want someone to walk and to talk though it with us. For the most part, our American culture has trained us to do just that.

However, the same culture has taught him to do the opposite! Remember the story of what typically happens to the toddler boy on the playground? Those early experiences were the beginning of his education in The Boy Code. He learned that a man has to appear tough – a Sturdy Oak – in order to be loved and respected. And he learned that a man must figure out his own problems and deal with all his vulnerable emotions – anger, sadness, fear, hurt, grief, shame, guilt, and doubt – on his own.

So that’s what he does, and he does it in the Man Cave.

Looking at it from our side of the wall, the Man Cave feels like stonewalling at best and abandonment at worst. Simply knowing that her man is struggling is not enough, because that only serves to trigger a woman’s natural desire to reach out and encourage him … to get him to talk to her … to try to convince him that she is his Safe Haven.

But a lifetime of experience has taught him otherwise. Her efforts to connect will feel like an invasion to him. And this invasion typically results in immediate defense – usually by strengthening his wall. And being shut out makes her more anxious … worried about him … and about herself. It feels like the Beginning of the End to her, and she often doesn’t understand why. So she tries to fix it. But first she has to get through the wall. Drastic times call for drastic measures … so she hauls out the Wrecking Ball.

You can see where this is going, right?

Nowhere. Absolutely Nowhere.

“So what do I do? I suppose you expect me to sit down on the curb outside the Man Cave and just wait for him to come out?” you ask in your frustration. “If I do that,” you reason, “he’ll never come out!”

Nope. There’s so much more you can do to help him!

Stay tuned or find out more now in Dance With Me: A Hopeful Romantic Interprets Ephesians 5

More Reasons Why Men Stonewall July 30, 2013

Posted by occhristiancounseling in classes, Dr. Debi Smith, emotions, stonewalling, understanding men.
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Why Do Men Stonewall? (and what you can do about it) from Dr. Debi Smith