jump to navigation

Why Won’t He Talk to Me? May 2, 2016

Posted by occhristiancounseling in classes, Dr. Debi Smith, research, stonewalling, understanding men.
Tags: , , ,
add a comment

email-course-art-wwhttmfrontWhen something’s wrong, it’s often the woman who notices it and wants to talk about it – to figure out what’s wrong and fix the problem. Here’s a frequent complaint from our Relationship Survey:

We have problems agreeing on the way in which we will deal with problems. I want to deal with them when they come up, and he wants to think about it on his own for a long time and hope the problem goes away before we talk about it.

Does anything about that sound familiar to you?

Have you’ve ever wondered, “Why won’t he talk to me?”
Maybe you’ve tried everything you can think of.
But don’t give up! Learn what to do now!

In this FREE e-course by Dr. Debi Smith, based on professional research in the Psychology of Men and Romance, you will learn all about …

  • Communication Problems – how to avoid them
  • Communication Styles – how to understand him
  • Communication Strategies – how to get him talking

Learn more now!

The Wonder of a Man April 25, 2016

Posted by occhristiancounseling in attachment, Dr. Debi Smith, understanding men, understanding women.
Tags:
add a comment

A Man is creatively designed to lead, and his woman’s trust and respect are essential for him to be able to lead well.

  • He’s bigger and stronger.
  • He excels in her affirmation.
  • He stands taller in her admiration.
  • And he adores her more than words can say.

But He’s actually more sensitive than she is … and to different things than she is. His sensitivity is primary when it comes to her. Which motivates him to protect her. To provide for her. To be willing to die for her.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 25-33)

Let’s talk about it! Send me your questions and comments now. And I’ll send you a personal reply!

The Beauty of a Woman April 18, 2016

Posted by occhristiancounseling in attachment, Dr. Debi Smith, understanding men, understanding women.
Tags:
add a comment

A woman is creatively designed to follow, and her man’s love and understanding are essential if she is to follow well. Her skill at following him is incredibly important because …

  • Without her, he’s got no hope for becoming all that he could be.
  • And you can’t be a leader if no one is willing to follow you.

She has so much in common with a man. She’s very much like him, yet so very different. She’s soft and curvy. Smells sweet. Emotionally sensitive. Expressive. She sees things differently than he does. Which makes him wonder how she comes up with stuff.

But that’s how she’s got his back.
As well as how he’s got hers!

Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

Let’s talk about it! Send me your questions and comments now. And I’ll send you a personal reply!

Made for Each Other April 11, 2016

Posted by occhristiancounseling in attachment, Dr. Debi Smith, understanding men, understanding women.
Tags:
add a comment

Eve was created for Adam. He didn’t even know he needed anything. But God did. And she was exactly what he needed. Likewise, Adam was exactly what Eve needed. He was her Joy and Bliss. Man and Woman are made for each other. We get to enjoy this Truth as we follow the Holy Spirit.

Why on earth would we want to listen to the enemy? Clearly Adam and Eve were made in the likeness of God … and made for each other. The enemy hated their Image (identity) and their Romance (relationship).

  • He lied to Eve.
  • Wounded Adam.
  • Messed up Romance.

If your life has been anything like mine, the enemy has messed with your Image and your Romance on more than one occasion. So you may find it difficult to embrace the Truth that man and woman are made for each other. But we are! By God Himself, and …

If God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:31b)

Let’s talk about it! Send me your questions and comments now. And I’ll send you a personal reply!

Men & Intimate Communication April 9, 2016

Posted by occhristiancounseling in Dr. Debi Smith, stonewalling, understanding men.
Tags: ,
add a comment

A lifetime of experience impacts the way a man communicates. But we women often don’t understand a man’s silence. So the Man Cave feels like stonewalling at best – and abandonment at worst. But the Man Cave isn’t stonewalling at all. Unless a woman tries to force her way though. Then she’s got Double Trouble.

proverbs-18-13-760x174

Simply knowing that her man is struggling is not enough, because that only serves to trigger a woman’s natural desire to reach out and encourage him … to get him to talk to her … to try to convince him that she is his Safe Haven.

But a lifetime of experience
has taught him otherwise.

Her efforts to connect will feel like an invasion to him … and/or add to his sense of guilt and shame that he hasn’t got a solution. Both of which will result in an immediate increase in his defensiveness – usually by strengthening his wall.

And being shut out makes her more anxious … worried about him … and about herself. It feels like the Beginning of the End to her, and she often doesn’t understand why.

Do you know why men stonewall?

Believe it or not, the initial purpose of the stonewall has nothing to do with hurting you. That’s not the purpose of the Man Cave either. Most women find it helpful to know the difference.

To answer before listening—
    that is folly and shame. (Proverbs 18:13)

Send me your questions and comments now.
And I’ll send you a personal reply!

All she needed was a sperm donor June 6, 2015

Posted by occhristiancounseling in Dr. Debi Smith.
Tags: , , ,
add a comment

wedding_bandsRecently I met a woman at a talk I was giving in Beverly Hills. She told me she was happy and “complete” as a single woman. She said she’d had two relationships that had lasted more than 5 years each. Neither man was interested in marriage. So as a 40-something career woman, she had decided to focus on becoming a mother instead.

The more she talked, the more it became apparent how hard she was working to convince me … and herself … that she didn’t need a man in her life.

All she needed was a sperm donor. [read more]

Don’t Fight Your Lead November 20, 2014

Posted by occhristiancounseling in Dr. Debi Smith, marriage, Stories, understanding men, understanding women.
Tags: , ,
add a comment

You know I love to dance, right? Well, our wonderful friends on the Memories Swing Team offered to teach me the Lindy Hop. And I finally took them up on it last Monday. What a blast!

Because I’ve already learned to dance many different styles, I just decided to jump into the Intermediate Class. I figured out the count for my footwork (6 or 8), and just followed my lead.

If he was strong and confident, our dance went smoothly.

When I danced with one of the less experienced dancers, it was a bit more of a challenge. But it gave me a chance to encourage and bless … mostly with smiles and laughter.

How cool is that?

Chatting with one of the Team members later, I related my feelings about my first lesson.

His reply? “You’re a good follow because you aren’t afraid to let go of control. You don’t fight your lead.”

That’s a good idea for all of us. Right ladies? A man is expected to take the lead in life, and he’s held responsible for the outcome.

Men need to let go of control as well.
They need to give control to the Lord and learn to follow Him.

Ladies, let’s not distract our men from the Lord’s leadership by trying to take over the dance. Just smile and enjoy, affirming them when they get it right.

Today’s Thought …
Don’t Fight Your Lead.

It makes warfare much harder on the enemy!

… in order that Satan might not outwit us.
For we are not unaware of his schemes. (
2 Corinthians 2:11)

Memories Swing Team

More Reasons Why Men Stonewall July 30, 2013

Posted by occhristiancounseling in classes, Dr. Debi Smith, emotions, stonewalling, understanding men.
Tags: , , ,
add a comment
Why Do Men Stonewall? (and what you can do about it) from Dr. Debi Smith

Women Can’t Be Trusted October 18, 2012

Posted by occhristiancounseling in Q & A.
Tags: ,
add a comment

Wondering Wounded’s Question: I would like your interpretation of a man who seems more interested in spending his time with other men. I went out with him a few times and we really hit it off, but he suddenly withdrew without much explanation. He spends most of his time on hobby of Ham Radio consisting of mostly men friends, and he also spends much time going to Tradorees and trading and selling vintage Boy Scout patches (once again mostly men and boys attend these). Most of (90%) the friends he has on social networking sites are also men. He does not go out with women often in fact it is rare. Do these things indicate he might be gay?

Dr. Smith’s Answer: No, they don’t. In fact, there are many, many reasons a man would prefer the company of other men. Most have to do with issues of safety.

Bergman (1995) described a common emotional experience he refers to as male relational dread. This fear is characterized by a sense of inevitable, never-ending disaster and an expectation of immense and irreparable damage. The closer a man feels to a woman, the more intense his dread. He feels unsafe, guilty, incompetent, and ashamed in this uncharted territory.

Under the pressure of needing to fix things, he is overcome by an exponential increase in his dread. Even though he may desperately want connection, a man may interfere with activation of his own attachment system by “withdrawing, striking out, tuning out, changing the subject, joking, being nice, falling silent” (Bergman, 1995, p. 83).

As Bergman has observed in his workshops, men may have sufficient experiential evidence that disconnection is the better, safer, way to go. “The men—sometimes with good reason—did not trust the women to let go of their images of men and to accept male vulnerability” (Bergman, 1995, p. 83).

Consider the following clip: a lighter look at the way women convince men to trust them, and how men end up disappointed and hurt.

A Woman’s Perspective June 22, 2009

Posted by occhristiancounseling in Q & A.
Tags: , ,
add a comment

He’s so distant, and you don’t understand why. Most of the time, he doesn’t even respond to you, and trying to communicate with him is like talking to a brick wall.

When you ask him what’s wrong, he mumbles “nothing” … or just ignores you.

If you press him to talk to you, he gets angry.

The only time he pays attention to you is when he wants something from you: it’s usually sex. But you’re not interested anymore.

You feel ignored, rejected, unlovable, alone.

You used to be so close to each other. You’ve tried absolutely everything you can think of to get close again, but nothing’s working. You wonder if he even loves you anymore.

You feel like giving up.

What is his perspective?